Caregivers’ chat

[TastyReuben]

TastyReuben remind me, is your Mom in a Senior Living Community?

She lives in a senior community, meaning a 55+ community (2 bedroom villas), and the city’s senior citizen center is within spitting distance of her front door, just a short walk across the parking lot, but it’s not an assisted living community.

 

[kaneohegirlinaz]

She lives in a senior community, meaning a 55+ community (2 bedroom villas), and the city’s senior citizen center is within spitting distance of her front door, just a short walk across the parking lot, but it’s not an assisted living community.

So she's still "independent" then?

 

[caseydog]

She lives in a senior community, meaning a 55+ community (2 bedroom villas), and the city’s senior citizen center is within spitting distance of her front door, just a short walk across the parking lot, but it’s not an assisted living community.

The place my mom lives, and K-Girls's mom, is not actually assisted living. Where my mom lives, they have independent living "villas," or apartments. My mom is in an apartment, as she is not an outdoors person -- never really was.

CD

 

[JAS_OH1]

I am super empathetic to all of you who are going through these trying times with loved ones on the decline, and I wish I could help ease the pain. I lost my father in 1992 and my mother in 2015. Everyone's situation is so different but the eventual outcomes are the same. Wishing you the best and please know that I truly do feel your pains.

 

[TastyReuben]

So she's still "independent" then?

Yes. She’s gotten to the point that she needs to be in care, though.

They have a handful of sort of efficiency apartments at the care home where my dad is, and she was on the list for one of those, and when one came up, she got stubborn and changed her mind.

Now she wishes she hadn’t, as those don’t open up very often, and she’s finally starting to accept that she can’t be on her own, even with people checking in on her every day.

 

[kaneohegirlinaz]

DH & I went over to Mom's place today.
Our intent was to have lunch with her in one of the dining rooms at the facility and then go watch the weekly movie together ... yes they even have a Movie Theatre of sorts.
DH had called Mom yesterday afternoon to discuss times and where to meet, etc with her.
SHE FORGOT!
We sat waiting for her for 20 minutes, finally I called her ...
"Mom? Are you coming?"
oh-you're here ---
When she came around the corner she looked all f'ed up!
She ate a small cup of soup, maybe 1/2 cups worth at best, and with the order was a half of a Roast Beef on Rye Sandwich - she couldn't eat the sandwich - said she was too full and gave the sandwich to DH.
"Mom, what have you been eating?"
she said that she has a piece of toast - "and oh you know honey that Peach Jam you brought me is delicious! Big chunks of fruit in it and .... "
But Mom, what else do you eat during the day?
Her clothes are so big on her frail frame now, they are falling off of her!
She said that she had to pass on the movie because she was in just too much pain to sit through a movie ...
It was not a good visit, I gotta tell ya.
As we were driving home, we talked about how "buzzed out" she seemed.
I said that I don't feel good about her, that I think she needs to go back to the doctor.
It's been two weeks since her fall.
DH said that she has her Physical Therapy evaluation on Tuesday, see what they say about her still being in pain... good idea!

 

[karadekoolaid]

he fell trying to get out of bed and broke his hip.

I'm very sorry to hear that. Dementia is a terrible thing and the complications only make the situation worse. I hope you can manage to keep him happy, pain free and comfortable, until the inevitable happens.

 

[kaneohegirlinaz]

Yes. She’s gotten to the point that she needs to be in care, though.

They have a handful of sort of efficiency apartments at the care home where my dad is, and she was on the list for one of those, and when one came up, she got stubborn and changed her mind.

Now she wishes she hadn’t, as those don’t open up very often, and she’s finally starting to accept that she can’t be on her own, even with people checking in on her every day.

Is there a service available to her that you can cherry-pick the kind of care that Mom needs?
I say this because where my Mom is there's a private contractor service in house that I can pay them say once a day just to check in on her, make sure she's taken hers meds, remind her about her water intake, make sur that she's eaten ... simple stuff.
I've recently found out that her health insurance will pay for some of this...

 

[TastyReuben]

Is there a service available to her that you can cherry-pick the kind of care that Mom needs?

There are services available, but she doesn’t want any of that - she wants her kids to do everything for her “not a bunch of ol’ strangers! They’ll knock me in the head and rob me blind!”

She’s incredibly stubborn, and she’ll dig her heels in when she doesn’t want something, and as everyone knows, it’s a lot harder to force someone to do something than you might think.

She’s refused dog walkers, meals on wheels, home healthcare workers…one of us will get something like that scheduled, and she’ll say, “Great, that’ll be a big help!” - and then decide the next day she doesn’t like it, and when they come knocking on her door with a meal (prepared literally less than a five-minute walk from her door, so it’s fresh) or to walk the dog, she either sends them away or just doesn’t answer.

They have movie day at the senior center (where the meals are prepared)…she won’t go. They have people just sitting there visiting, they have books (she loves to read), they have live music (she absolutely is ga-ga over live music of just about any kind)…will she go?

Nope. She’s lived there 18 months and has not set foot in it, and it’s literally five minutes across the parking lot from her front door. She won’t go by herself, she won’t go if one of us takes her, they come around a visit (they have a visiting program for shut-ins), she won’t answer the door…and then complains nonstop that she’s lonely and bored…and before that conversation has ended, she says she’s perfectly happy and loves being on her own.

IOW, there is no solution in existence that would make her happy, but that’s how she’s always been. Perpetually dissatisfied, and it’s always someone else’s fault.

She’ll end up in the care facility where my dad is eventually, it’s just a waiting game now, waiting for a spot to open.

 

[karadekoolaid]

She’s refused dog walkers, meals on wheels, home healthcare workers…one of us will get something like that scheduled, and she’ll say, “Great, that’ll be a big help!” - and then decide the next day she doesn’t like it, and when they come knocking on her door with a meal (prepared literally less than a five-minute walk from her door, so it’s fresh) or to walk the dog, she either sends them away or just doesn’t answer

Crikey. That's exactly what my mum was like last year. My brother arranged for Social Helpers no less than FIVE times over 2020 - 2022. All of them got sent away.

 

[caseydog]

We have a dog walker set up for my mom's dog. But, we don't know if they came, or not. We ask mom, "Did the dog walkers take Trixie for a walk today?" Answer is always, "I don't know." If they come to the door, and she's not there, they leave. If they ring the bell, and mom doesn't hear it, they leave. She still get's charged for it.

Dog walking is part of a "concierge service" that you pay for by the half-hour. It is like K-Girl described, and independent contractor that will do all kinds of things for you. We have instructed the service to walk the dog, and clean up any on mom's patio. If there is time left, we've told mom to have them take out the trash.

Mom can't even remember if they came or not on any given day.

CD

 

[caseydog]

My uncle and aunt (dad's little brother) are passing by near me and staying in Denton, about 30 miles West of here. They are on the way down to see my dad and mom for the weekend. My uncle is afraid of flying, so my aunt drives them. My uncle is only 77, but has Parkinson's, and he has reached the point where he can't drive anymore.

This will probably be their last drive down, unless he qualifies for a newer treatment and it works. His mobility has deteriorated a lot over the last few months.

My dad knows he is coming, and he's going to be very happy to see his little brother.

I am going to meet them in Denton Friday late afternoon for some dinner and a visit. I went to college in Denton, so I know my way around the city. I may go early and buy some UNT merchandise.

CD

 

[Morning Glory]

Crikey. That's exactly what my mum was like last year. My brother arranged for Social Helpers no less than FIVE times over 2020 - 2022. All of them got sent away.

Since breaking my leg (and having to look after partner with dementia) I've a care worker who comes once a week from a charity. Frankly, I'm thinking of telling her we don't need her as she really irritates me (rather loud voice). However, she does take Steve for a short walk (she is the only care worker I've found who will do this). He needs to stop to urinate quite often, which is the reason they won't do it. She simply takes him for a very short walk which is better than nothing. She does a bit of 'light housework' which I suppose is useful and makes Steve's lunch (which I'm perfectly capable of doing as Its a simple salad with bread).

My problem is she isn't a friend and I find her rather intrusive. I can't relax when she is here. So, I sort of sympathise with older folk who have this issue.

 

[caseydog]

My sister says that my dad was as alert and engaged as she has seen him in a very long time while his little brother was there. He even laughed at something his brother said.

CD

 

[JAS_OH1]

My sister says that my dad was as alert and engaged as she has seen him in a very long time while his little brother was there. He even laughed at something his brother said.

CD

Try to go again soon. I don't want to be a downer, but when each of my parents passed, they had moments of great clarity just before. I unfortunately wasn't right there when my dad passed, but I was with my mom.