Funny tales from doctor's visits

[mjd]

Oh, this made me (and MrsMe) laugh:

When we were at the ER the other night, she had to have two CT scans and blood work done. One of our modern marvels is the patient portal, and it just so happens that she was able to see her results come in as soon as a tech posted them, so by the time the doctor finally showed up to go over then, my wife had already thoroughly reviewed them.

One of her CT scans came in, and she's reading it out loud, bones this and muscles that, etc, and at the very end it said, "Navel piercing present."

MrsT doesn't have a navel piercing.

Finally, the doc came in, and she started going over everything..."deep bruising here...possibly fractured ribs...oh, you have a navel piercing."

"No, I don't."

"Yeah...two, actually...either side of your navel."

She pulled up the scan, and looking at it, there were two perfect little circle on either side of her bellybutton.

MrsT pulled up her shirt, showed the doc what she was wearing, and told her, "I'm wearing drawstring pants...those are the metal rings for the drawstring!"

I hate the way doctors think they are the authority on somebody else's body. Why would he even contradict that? She knows darn well if she has a navel piercing or not. Some doctors...ugh.

For the record, the doc was a she, but I was thinking the same thing when she came out with "Yeah, ya do..." - I was thinking, between the two of us (my wife and I), I think we know whether she has a piercing or not!

TastyReuben and I had the above conversation recently and it got me to thinking about experiences I've had with doctors over the years. I figured you may have some stories to tell as well so let's talk about it!

 

[TastyReuben]

I loved my last doc, but he moved on last year.

If you're familiar with the British show Doc Martin...my doc (Dr. Christopher) had to be the inspiration for that character. Direct, rude, no people skills whatsoever, but always spot-on (with me, anyway).

My very first appointment was in 2004, when we moved here. In 2001, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, but I was controlling it with diet and exercise.

It was my intake appointment, so he asked me about my medical history, which was pretty nil before the diabetes thing, and it went like this:

"No surgeries, never broken anything, uh, I get a flu shot every year, my dad has high blood pressure, my mom has diabetes, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2001, and-"

"You don't have diabetes. You're fat and you're lazy."

 

[mjd]

I loved my last doc, but he moved on last year.

If you're familiar with the British show Doc Martin...my doc (Dr. Christopher) had to be the inspiration for that character. Direct, rude, no people skills whatsoever, but always spot-on (with me, anyway).

My very first appointment was in 2004, when we moved here. In 2001, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, but I was controlling it with diet and exercise.

It was my intake appointment, so he asked me about my medical history, which was pretty nil before the diabetes thing, and it went like this:

"No surgeries, never broken anything, uh, I get a flu shot every year, my dad has high blood pressure, my mom has diabetes, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2001, and-"

"You don't have diabetes. You're fat and you're lazy."

You are hilarious. I'm about two minutes away from pushing my Life Alert button and you have me laughing hysterically. Ouch. That hurts!!!

 

[mjd]

OK. Here's one of mine.

MJ: I would like to talk to you about a breast reduction.
Dr: <Flipping through my chart not really paying attention.>
MJ: My back hurts and I've heard a reduction will relieve it.
Dr: Huh, I was reading your chart. What did you say?
MJ: Can we talk about breast reduction surgery?
Dr: NO!!! <as if I asked him to mate a deer or something>
MJ: Excuse me.
Dr: Absolutely not!!! Is your husband okay with that?
MJ: It's not his body.
Dr. Still, hell no.

In fairness, he may have been lit. He carried a flask in his smock pocket.

 

[mjd]

I loved my last doc, but he moved on last year.

If you're familiar with the British show Doc Martin...my doc (Dr. Christopher) had to be the inspiration for that character. Direct, rude, no people skills whatsoever, but always spot-on (with me, anyway).

My very first appointment was in 2004, when we moved here. In 2001, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, but I was controlling it with diet and exercise.

It was my intake appointment, so he asked me about my medical history, which was pretty nil before the diabetes thing, and it went like this:

"No surgeries, never broken anything, uh, I get a flu shot every year, my dad has high blood pressure, my mom has diabetes, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2001, and-"

"You don't have diabetes. You're fat and you're lazy."

Oh, and I LOVE Doc Martin. I can rewatch it a gazillon times and still crack up.

 

[medtran49]

OK. Here's one of mine.

MJ: I would like to talk to you about a breast reduction.
Dr: <Flipping through my chart not really paying attention.>
MJ: My back hurts and I've heard a reduction will relieve it.
Dr: Huh, I was reading your chart. What did you say?
MJ: Can we talk about breast reduction surgery?
Dr: NO!!! <as if I asked him to mate a deer or something>
MJ: Excuse me.
Dr: Absolutely not!!! Is your husband okay with that?
MJ: It's not his body.
Dr. Still, hell no.

In fairness, he may have been lit. He carried a flask in his smock pocket.

OMG, seriously, is your husband okay with that?, I mean seriously. Where was this? In backwoods rural country?

And yes it does help, a friend had it done.

 

[mjd]

OMG, seriously, is your husband okay with that?, I mean seriously. Where was this? In backwoods rural country?

And yes it does help, a friend had it done.

Nope. He worked in a university hospital in Chicago proper.

And, it's NOT the location. Here's another jacka$$ a friend recommended. This happened in North Carolina.

Dr.: Why are you here?
MJ: I wanted to talk to you about a hysterectomy.
Dr: Why?
MJ: I've had HORRIBLE cramps since I started my period and they are torture. I'm hoping a hysterotomy will take care of it.
Dr: <flipping through chart> It says here that you're separated.
MJ: I am. <making a face like "And?">
Dr: <puts my paperwork in a shredder near his desk> You're not getting the surgery.
MJ: Why not?
Dr: Because you're just being emotional (not true) and you might Mr. Right and want to have more kids.
MJ: Quite frankly, doctor, I could meet Jesus Christ himself. I'm not having more children.

He kicked me out of his office. LOL

I didn't want to ever deal with him again so I went to medical records to request my file (before he could add some nonsense to my chart). The woman took my payment and whispered "You aren't the first dear. Many people never come back."

Moral of the story: Women have almost no say over their own bodies. I've even met FEMALE doctors like the two I've already talked about. It's so frustrating.

 

[TastyReuben]

You are hilarious. I'm about two minutes away from pushing my Life Alert button and you have me laughing hysterically. Ouch. That hurts!!!

Laughter's the best medicine...until it's not.

OK. Here's one of mine.

MJ: I would like to talk to you about a breast reduction.
Dr: <Flipping through my chart not really paying attention.>
MJ: My back hurts and I've heard a reduction will relieve it.
Dr: Huh, I was reading your chart. What did you say?
MJ: Can we talk about breast reduction surgery?
Dr: NO!!! <as if I asked him to mate a deer or something>
MJ: Excuse me.
Dr: Absolutely not!!! Is your husband okay with that?
MJ: It's not his body.
Dr. Still, hell no.

In fairness, he may have been lit. He carried a flask in his smock pocket.

Moral of the story: Women have almost no say over their own bodies. I've even met FEMALE doctors like the two I've already talked about. It's so frustrating.

That's crazy, and not that it's on the same scale, but it does happen occasionally with us guys. I've known more than one guy who's had to "shop around" to get a vasectomy because the doc didn't want to do it because you're single/what will your wife say/you'll change your mind later.

 

[mjd]

Laughter's the best medicine...until it's not.





That's crazy, and not that it's on the same scale, but it does happen occasionally with us guys. I've known more than one guy who's had to "shop around" to get a vasectomy because the doc didn't want to do it because you're single/what will your wife say/you'll change your mind later.

You are so silly. ;-)

I imagine it does happen to men. Where do these people get off making decisions for other people's reproductive choices?

 

[TastyReuben]

Another one, same doc:

How's your wife doing? (He knows my wife's medical history)

She's doing ok, some days better than others. She's had a heart attack since the last time I was here, but she's ok now.

You know...you'd be surprised the number of patient I have who're like you two - one with everything wrong with them, like your wife, and the other one generally healthy, like you.

Yeah, sometimes it works out like that. Maybe Nature pairs us up that way.


And you know what almost always happens? BAM! Just like that, the healthy drops dead. BAM! All right, you're good, see you in six months.

 

[mjd]

Another one, same doc:

How's your wife doing? (He knows my wife's medical history)

She's doing ok, some days better than others. She's had a heart attack since the last time I was here, but she's ok now.

You know...you'd be surprised the number of patient I have who're like you two - one with everything wrong with them, like your wife, and the other one generally healthy, like you.

Yeah, sometimes it works out like that. Maybe Nature pairs us up that way.


And you know what almost always happens? BAM! Just like that, the healthy drops dead. BAM! All right, you're good, see you in six months.

Please, please, please get to a publisher and write your book! It would fly off the shelves. You've got a real Doc Martin there.

 

[TastyReuben]

And another one, same doc:

How old are you this year?

53.

Did you retire? No, I don't think you have yet.

Not yet, but I would tomorrow if I could.

You know what happens when you retire at your age? You die less than a year later. I see it all the time. You'll be dead in less than a year. Dead.

 

[mjd]

This isn't exactly funny but it's along the lines of TastyReuben's doctor with no bedside manner.

I had to go in for extra testing because I was an older mom. The ultrasound tech leaves the room, comes back with the doctor.

He looks at us and says "Your baby has Down's Syndrome and an enlarged heart. Here's my card if you want a medical abortion." Didn't even introduce himself. Just said it and bolted.

We decided that we would accept whatever was the plan for our baby and ride it out. She was born perfectly healthy and beautiful. Damn near almost killed me coming in at 9 lbs, 1 oz. I opted to take NO drugs so there were no interventions.

 

[TastyReuben]

Another one, same doc:

When I hit about 45, I started getting really forgetful, and it bothered me a lot, because I'd always had a steel-trap memory, and I was getting to where I couldn't remember what I'd had for lunch the day before, or I'd get up and walk into the kitchen to get something, and forget what it was.

About that time, I'd met up with most of my brothers for a couple of beers. They're all older than me, and the conversation turned to guy talk, and I learned that all my brothers were using this low-testosterone cream, and they all said it was wonderful, mainly in libido department.

Shortly after that, I started noticing all the low-T ads on TV, which all had variations of "Are you forgetful? Tired all the time? Slowing down in the bedroom? Then you need T-cream!"

So, next appointment, I asked my doc:

Any questions for me?

Yeah, uh, I've been really forgetful lately, like I get in the car to go somewhere, get to the end of the road, and I can't remember where I'm going, or I go to the store to get four things, and I get there, and I can remember only two.

(Looks at me like I need to get to the point)

So I keep seeing these ads for low-testosterone cream and-

I'm going to stop you right there. You don't have low testosterone. Just look in the mirror, you're growing a beard! That's all you need to know about your testosterone level.

Ok, it's just that all my brothers are-

Well, all your brothers have the same problem that 90% of older men have - THEY'RE GETTING OLD AND THEY WANT TO KEEP RUNNING AROUND LIKE THEY'RE 20 YEARS OLD!

Ok, I-

Look, you have high testosterone when your young because your body can handle it and you need it. Then as you age, your body can't handle it any longer and Nature does you a favor by cutting your levels back gradually as you age. Yeah, you get tired, you get forgetful, and maybe you don't, um, stay up all night like you used to...THAT'S BY DESIGN!

Ok, so-

You just wait, another 20 years, all the guys who couldn't accept aging gracefully are going to be keeling over left and right from heart attacks, because that's what high testosterone levels do to older men. MARK MY WORDS!!!

 

[rascal]

Laughter's the best medicine...until it's not.





That's crazy, and not that it's on the same scale, but it does happen occasionally with us guys. I've known more than one guy who's had to "shop around" to get a vasectomy because the doc didn't want to do it because you're single/what will your wife say/you'll change your mind later.

A friend had his "snip" reversed, he showed me a pic of the bruising, it was bad. He's since had a wee girl with his new partner.
I've had the "snip" 30 odd years ago, I'm not reversing it. Incidentally when I had mine I had trousers off and lower exposed. There was a nurse helping the doc get organised, I never took my eyes off the nurse, I knew she would have a look at my $&@& , sure enough after a minute or so I saw her sneak a peek,lol. Human nature huh?

Russ