Caregivers’ chat

Morning Glory said:
In general, he seems worse and I'm having more and more trouble communicating with him.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, that tends to be how dementia pans out. At least he's sleeping; my dad used to wake up at 3am banging on the door and shouting that he wanted to go home. (He was home). The memory just gets worse and worse.
 
It certainly does.
Phoned my mum today as the recent car accident she had meant the police towed her car and she now has no way of getting about. She seemed ok, told me the pertinent parts and was rational.
Then we had the same conversation five times.
Her GP surgery called again, another friend has contacted them requesting my contact details to tell me how bad she is, I said yes pass them on but let her know she’ll have to join the queue!

Problem is she does as far as I’m concerned (and the GP surgery agree) have capacity, she knows what she wants, which is to be left alone thankyou very much, she seems sensible and apart from a car accident has done nothing that you would consider unsafe.
Well the forgetting to eat and turning into a bag of bones is a sign of neglect but it’s not considered unsafe.

She just can’t cover up her memory loss anymore so now more of her friends are fretting and wanting me to DO SOMETHING. Even though not one of them will speak to her about it because they’re afraid she’ll cut them off and I’ve explained if I push too hard for her to accept help then I’m told to leave too. What am I supposed to do, drag her kicking and screaming to a dementia care home when she’s clearly not at that stage yet?!

Anyway. Heyho. I’m sorting her a monthly phone contract so at least she will be able to ring and if she get lost I’ll be able to locate her (if she’s taken her phone that is) and drum roll please…. I’ve managed to get everyone on board with the idea all recriminations for her past behaviours are now pointless and we have to treat her as the person she is now - someone with dementia who needs kindness and empathy. That’s a major turn around for everyone, she’s behaved pretty poorly over the years and her family do not like her so I’m proud of that bit of work because if we are going to have to take care of things then it’s easier if everyone can just be nice to each other.
 
SandwichShortOfAPicnic said:
Problem is she does as far as I’m concerned (and the GP surgery agree) have capacity, she knows what she wants, which is to be left alone thankyou very much, she seems sensible and apart from a car accident has done nothing that you would consider unsafe.
Well the forgetting to eat and turning into a bag of bones is a sign of neglect but it’s not considered unsafe.
Click to expand...

Well its a real problem when people with dementia live alone and won't get help. Its different here because obviously I can look after Steve. For a long time now he has been unable to survive on his own and would be in care permanently if I weren't here. Your Mum is in denial its seems so won't accept help and is also quite rational at some level. That intermediate stage is very difficult. I used to have a tracking device (a watch) that Steve wore when he was still at the stage of being able to be semi independent.

Was the car accident her fault?
 
Morning Glory said:
Well its a real problem when people with dementia live alone and won't get help. Its different here because obviously I can look after Steve. For a long time now he has been unable to survive on his own and would be in care permanently if I weren't here. Your Mum is in denial its seems so won't accept help and is also quite rational at some level. That intermediate stage is very difficult. I used to have a tracking device (a watch) that Steve wore when he was still at the stage of being able to be semi independent.

Was the car accident her fault?
Click to expand...

My fifth attempt to reply to this post 😂

Yep a strong case of denial but not real denial because she knows but just can't admit it. Her covering behaviours are numerous.

I’ll talk to her again when she comes down 6th June. I will lay out what the pathways are and the what is going to happen on the one she’s choosing. I’ll also explain a nicer way to do things.
She may accept help after that but it may have to wait until her appointment at the memory clinic and the stark medical diagnosis is in front of her. Even then it could still be a “no leave me alone” response 🤷‍♀️

She has an apple watch but doesn’t wear it so the phones the closest thing to any chance of locating her, when we get to that stage.

Driving wise she’s been an accident waiting to happen for a while.
The first thing she said was “it wasn’t my fault” and has stuck with that.
But the police called an ambulance and insisted she went to hospital and impounded her car, when she went to get it back they said no so I’m sure theres more to that story than I’m hearing.
She said repeatedly she’s glad no-one was hurt and she was going to give up driving anyway.
I’m sure it was her fault.

She also said “How could you forgive yourself if you carried on driving and hurt someone?”
When I asked her that in January she just shrugged and did carry on driving even though people refused to get into the car with her, she ignored me when I said it was time to look at alternatives. She even threatened me before her doctors appointment that if I got her driving licence taken away there would be big trouble.

Thing is I got in the car with her to see what her driving was like due to her friends complaints it was almost flawless so I had no grounds to go any further.
I’m relieved that bits over!

Spent a large portion of the afternoon dealing with her solicitor, the office of the public guardian, the land registry, her GP surgery and trying to sort out her phone. For a change it mostly went well and I got a lot done so thats nice.
 
Last edited:
karadekoolaid said:
...and your next unsavoury move is to try and get power of attorney...
Click to expand...
She has made LPA’s twice. Unfortunately three of the four are missing and as they only issue one that’s validated (it’s like a single golden issue you must care for better than your passport)!) it’s difficult to get hold of another.

I sorted it yesterday and they’re being sent here but that’ll be £105 please, except there was no please because the man I spoke to was so exceptionally rude I really struggled to not tell him so!
 
So over the Christmas holidays FIL had open heart surgery (quadruple bypass), then in March he had shoulder replacement surgery. It's been non-stop doctor appointments for both him and MIL, but he was cleared to drive in April (even though at 80 his reflexes aren't great and maybe shouldn't be driving). So we were relieved of our chauffeur/taxi driving duties over the past several weeks and FIL was able to get them both to the various doctor appointments.

Anyhoo, he has been short of breath, dizzy, and feeling tight in his chest over the past week or so, so he went to see his cardiologist last Monday and they said something was wrong and they wanted to do a heart catheter to find out what. His appointments was yesterday (Friday). Hubby drove him and MIL because the heart cath involves going through a blood vessel in his arm and he would be too sore to drive home (plus with his dizziness he shouldn't be driving). Well turns out that 3 out of the 4 bypasses are "dead" and blood is not flowing through them, so he only has the one bypass that is still working. He has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and has about 30% function of his heart, which matches MIL's poor liver function...and there's nothing they can do for either of them. Surgery is not an option for FIL, they said it's just too dangerous and probably the same thing would happen to new bypasses even if he was in good enough shape to withstand the surgery, so they are going to try giving him this drug Entrestro to try to improve his heart function, as well as some diuretics to keep the fluid from building up. They are also taking him off his high blood pressure medication because his BP was extremely low yesterday.

So today we are picking up groceries for them and doing some light chores around their house when we drop the groceries off. Time to put the dasher caps back on...I am sure glad we only live about 10 minutes away from them.
 
JAS_OH1 said:
So over the Christmas holidays FIL had open heart surgery (quadruple bypass), then in March he had shoulder replacement surgery. It's been non-stop doctor appointments for both him and MIL, but he was cleared to drive in April (even though at 80 his reflexes aren't great and maybe shouldn't be driving). So we were relieved of our chauffeur/taxi driving duties over the past several weeks and FIL was able to get them both to the various doctor appointments.

Anyhoo, he has been short of breath, dizzy, and feeling tight in his chest over the past week or so, so he went to see his cardiologist last Monday and they said something was wrong and they wanted to do a heart catheter to find out what. His appointments was yesterday (Friday). Hubby drove him and MIL because the heart cath involves going through a blood vessel in his arm and he would be too sore to drive home (plus with his dizziness he shouldn't be driving). Well turns out that 3 out of the 4 bypasses are "dead" and blood is not flowing through them, so he only has the one bypass that is still working. He has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and has about 30% function of his heart, which matches MIL's poor liver function...and there's nothing they can do for either of them. Surgery is not an option for FIL, they said it's just too dangerous and probably the same thing would happen to new bypasses even if he was in good enough shape to withstand the surgery, so they are going to try giving him this drug Entrestro to try to improve his heart function, as well as some diuretics to keep the fluid from building up. They are also taking him off his high blood pressure medication because his BP was extremely low yesterday.

So today we are picking up groceries for them and doing some light chores around their house when we drop the groceries off. Time to put the dasher caps back on...I am sure glad we only live about 10 minutes away from them.
Click to expand...
Old age doesn't come on it's own does it.
They are very lucky you live only 10 mins away and are prepared to help as much as you do.
 
SandwichShortOfAPicnic said:
Old age doesn't come on it's own does it.
They are very lucky you live only 10 mins away and are prepared to help as much as you do.
Click to expand...
I hope there's someone around to help me when I get to be that age (if I need help). I see older people at the grocery store who are handicapped and driving themselves to the store and struggling to get their grocery shopping done. If I am around and see someone trying to get something off an upper shelf when they are in an electric scooter or too short (not like I am tall, LOL) I always offer to help. Same with getting their groceries out of the cart and on to the conveyor belt. At least they have people to help them get their groceries to the car. I would offer to help with that too, but I think most people would be afraid to take help from a stranger in the parking lot.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom