Am I being unsympathetic?

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

So, I've been a bit occupied recently because following my mother having a stroke in February (and my younger brother having one at Easter) my mother has had an even bigger health scare that resulted in her needing a pacemaker, as an emergency, fitted last week. I was nearly on a plane back to the UK at one point.

However, now I'm apparently unsympathetic.

Her complaint at the moment is that I'm not being sympathetic because I don't see what the problem is with her never being able to lift the mobile phone to her left ear again. (Point to note: she doesn't lift her mobile or the landline to her ear anyhow, she always puts it on speaker phone so any conversation with her is a conversation with her and my step-father.)

I'm serious, that's her current "complaint". I did point out that in the great scheme of things, having a heart beating properly was probably more useful than lifting the phone to her left ear. I got a long hesitation, and then "well when you put it like that". That's me in trouble.

So she went on to how she couldn't wash her hair for the next 6 weeks. I regretfully asked why... because she always uses 2 hands to put the shampoo on what's left of her hair! You can guess the rest...

I could list the other things she can't do for the next 6 weeks, but she doesn't do them anyway! (Push or lift the hoover, change the bedding, put clothes in the washing machine/ tumble drier and so on.)

Seriously, I just don't get it. I've been there I couldn't use either arm to even feed myself or lift a drink to my lips 5 years ago when my neck collapsed and I needed life saving surgery and was told to write a "living will". (And no, they didn't come out and I heard very little from her as well. Similarly when I was on a respirator in ICU for 12 days, 6 years ago. )

I don't see what the issue is but that's me. My mum is exact opposite.

I mean, what's it matter which ear you have to use to listen to someone on the phone (remember: speaker phone! ) compared to being alive? (Just for reference I lift the phone to my right ear.)

<rant over>

 

[Rocklobster]

It is quite common for people to have personality changes after suffering a stroke..Just do a bit of research and you may understand it a bit better..sometimes it subsides after time as the person becomes better able to deal with the changes in their life..tough thing to deal with...I'd try patience. You may feel guilty down the road if you don't...

 

[Morning Glory]

What I don't understand here is why she will never be able to lift her arm. From everything I know about this op (and I know quite a few people who have had it) the advice is not to lift arm for around four to six weeks or until a doctor gives the all clear. The op really shouldn't result in a permanent disability. Is it possible she is exaggerating her situation?

You should feel back to your usual self, or even better, very quickly. It's best to avoid reaching up on the side you had your operation for 4 to 6 weeks. That means not hanging out washing or lifting anything from a high shelf, for example. But it's important to keep your arm mobile by gently moving it to avoid getting a frozen shoulder. A physiotherapist can show you how to do this.

You'll usually be able to do all the things you want to do after around 4 weeks.

Pacemaker implantation - FAQs

 

[rascal]

So, I've been a bit occupied recently because following my mother having a stroke in February (and my younger brother having one at Easter) my mother has had an even bigger health scare that resulted in her needing a pacemaker, as an emergency, fitted last week. I was nearly on a plane back to the UK at one point.

However, now I'm apparently unsympathetic.

Her complaint at the moment is that I'm not being sympathetic because I don't see what the problem is with her never being able to lift the mobile phone to her left ear again. (Point to note: she doesn't lift her mobile or the landline to her ear anyhow, she always puts it on speaker phone so any conversation with her is a conversation with her and my step-father.)

I'm serious, that's her current "complaint". I did point out that in the great scheme of things, having a heart beating properly was probably more useful than lifting the phone to her left ear. I got a long hesitation, and then "well when you put it like that". That's me in trouble.

So she went on to how she couldn't wash her hair for the next 6 weeks. I regretfully asked why... because she always uses 2 hands to put the shampoo on what's left of her hair! You can guess the rest...

I could list the other things she can't do for the next 6 weeks, but she doesn't do them anyway! (Push or lift the hoover, change the bedding, put clothes in the washing machine/ tumble drier and so on.)

Seriously, I just don't get it. I've been there I couldn't use either arm to even feed myself or lift a drink to my lips 5 years ago when my neck collapsed and I needed life saving surgery and was told to write a "living will". (And no, they didn't come out and I heard very little from her as well. Similarly when I was on a respirator in ICU for 12 days, 6 years ago. )

I don't see what the issue is but that's me. My mum is exact opposite.

I mean, what's it matter which ear you have to use to listen to someone on the phone (remember: speaker phone! ) compared to being alive? (Just for reference I lift the phone to my right ear.)

<rant over>

I would just put up with it and enjoy the time you have left with your mum.
I know it's so frustrating but cherish the time you have.
Sorry it's not much help.

Russ

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

What I don't understand here is why she will never be able to lift her arm

I don't see what the problem is with her never being able to lift the mobile phone to her left ear again. Point to note: she doesn't lift her mobile or the landline to her ear anyhow, she always puts it on speaker phone so any conversation with her is a conversation with her and my step-father.)

I think you may have missed the point.
It isn't that she can't lift her left arm every again, but that she can't lift a mobile phone to her left ear every again. (nothing stopping it being lifted to get right ear. )

Phone, headphone and various other devices contain magnets. Magnets interfere with the function of a pacemaker by disrupting the electrical current they generate and thus serious consequences. Anyone with a pacemaker can't bring a magnet of any type within 6inches or 15cm of the pacemaker. She also can never go through the walk through metal detectors again for the same reason.

 

[Morning Glory]

Phone, headphone and various other devices contain magnets. Magnets interfere with the function of a pacemaker by disrupting the electrical current they generate and thus serious consequences. Anyone with a pacemaker can't bring a magnet of any type within 6inches or 15cm of the pacemaker. She also can never go through the walk through metal detectors again for the same reason.

Ah, got it.

 

[PabloLerntKochen]

Sounds like she's spiraling down a few steps. Due to my age I'm probably not suited for giving life advice, but my mom changed her behavior a lot as well, after entering early retirement. Probably because of the lack of stress and the counter hormones our body produces, what affects the structure of our brain and it's thought-process. It helped me to sort things out here and then, as she could talk all day just about her "problems". If you have some time ask her directly, what's her problem. Don't be aggressive, it's not about who's the good one or the bad one, it's just about talking. If it's bothering you a lot, what she's saying, ask yourself if she's worth it and if you can answer concretely with yes, do it.

 

[Amateur1]

Continue to phone her. If you feel yourself getting angry suggest changing the subject or tell her that you're going to end the conversation.

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

I tried taking to her about it yesterday.
My sister has been in tears to me on the phone, so worried is she about her. So I tried again and failed again.

She's been told to take it easy for the first 6 weeks doing nothing and that's what she's doing. I tried asking her about exercise, just a casual walk, gentle stroll and was told it was too hot. I suggested she tried first thing in the morning instead and was met with "but I'd have to get dressed" . I tried the well, yes and then you can shower when you get home. I was told getting dressed twice was too much effort and that i simply didn't understand. I have to confess that at this stage, I genuinely don't understand.

She's been told she's got aortic stenosis. Her arteries are furring up. That's what her mother and her mother's mother died from. She's eating a magnum for breakfast and then because it's too hot to eat at night, cheese and biscuits. Hard saturated fats and no exercise. She's right. I don't understand.

 

[Amateur1]

I wish you all the best SatNavSaysStraightOn

 

[TastyReuben]

She's right. I don't understand.

Sadly, there’s only so much you can do. It’s up to her at this point. I know my parents, especially my mom, are very hardheaded when it comes to following doctors’ orders. It’s extremely frustrating for the rest of us.

 

[karadekoolaid]

She's right. I don't understand.

Tough situation for you there. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Keep phoning.
We badgered my mum last year about taking her medicine, which she wouldn't do. Then she had a heart attack. because she hadn't taken her pills. Her diet was cheese on toast, with 1/2 lb of butter, loads of cream and sticky toffee puddings. We had several incidents where she kicked us out of the hospital ward, saying we'd imprisoned her in a box. we just kept going back.
When I finally cleaned out the bungalow, I found medicines hidden in the kitchen, in the freezer, behind the toilet, in the garage and in the greenhouse.

 

[Amateur1]

What's interesting karadekoolaid is that she went to the trouble of hiding the medicines rather than simply throwing them out.

 

[karadekoolaid]

What's interesting @karadekoolaid is that she went to the trouble of hiding the medicines rather than simply throwing them out.

She hid them because she knew that, if she threw them out, we'd find them in the rubbish bins. By hiding them, she thought we'd never see them and so imagine that she'd taken them.

 

[rascal]

I tried taking to her about it yesterday.
My sister has been in tears to me on the phone, so worried is she about her. So I tried again and failed again.

She's been told to take it easy for the first 6 weeks doing nothing and that's what she's doing. I tried asking her about exercise, just a casual walk, gentle stroll and was told it was too hot. I suggested she tried first thing in the morning instead and was met with "but I'd have to get dressed" . I tried the well, yes and then you can shower when you get home. I was told getting dressed twice was too much effort and that i simply didn't understand. I have to confess that at this stage, I genuinely don't understand.

She's been told she's got aortic stenosis. Her arteries are furring up. That's what her mother and her mother's mother died from. She's eating a magnum for breakfast and then because it's too hot to eat at night, cheese and biscuits. Hard saturated fats and no exercise. She's right. I don't understand.

What's a magnum? Here it's a big choc ice cream on a stick.

Russ