What made you smile recently (2025)?

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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. -- Deleted --

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
 
The teacher was receiving gifts from her students.

The florist's son handed her a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is – it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is – it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.

The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.

She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," he answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

Little Johnny replied,

"A puppy!"
 
Three women, two younger, and one senior
citizen were sitting in a sauna only covered by a
towel.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young
woman pressed her forearm and the beep
stopped. The others looked at her questioningly
That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm.'

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second
young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When
she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile
phone. I have a microchip in my hand.

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be
outdone, she decided she had to do something
just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna
and went to the bathroom

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from her rear end. The others raised their
eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman
finally said.'Well, will you look at that..

'm getting a fax!!!
 
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