What made you smile recently?

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Warning issued after teetotal vegan non-smoker bores himself to death

Fresh concerns have been raised over the safety of healthy lifestyles after a study found that people following them invariably die eventually anyway.


A team of scientists from Rochdale’s Community University found that people who ate fruit, went for a jog, didn’t smoke and drank no alcohol were exactly as likely to die as chain smoking drunks and fatties.


“The findings are worrying.” One researcher told the Rochdale Herald. “In one extreme case a bloke died of a boredom induced cardiac arrest just talking about how little alcohol he drank, how he had never even tried a cigarette and the benefits of a meat free diet.”

“Pretty much everything is bad for you, or good for you depending upon which day you’re reading the news. Last year butter was bad for you and this year it’s good for you.”


“I research this stuff and I’m pretty bored by it all. Fortunately I smoke twenty a day and I’m rarely sober, I’m taking no chances.”
 
I had a laugh yesterday when I got something from the supermarket. I hate the self serve things, so when I spotted a lady free I went and put my stuff through. I noticed her name tag, Stacey, I don't know why but I started singing the ting tings song, that's not my name, they call me Stacey,..... The chick obviously knew the song and started laughing along with another staff member nearby,Lol. Made me smile.

Russ
 
rascal said:
............I hate the self serve things..........
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The first time that my wife was in England my son picked us up from the airport. On the way to the hotel he stopped for petrol. My wife asked "Why is he getting out of the car?"
 
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Yorky said:
Warning issued after teetotal vegan non-smoker bores himself to death

Fresh concerns have been raised over the safety of healthy lifestyles after a study found that people following them invariably die eventually anyway.


A team of scientists from Rochdale’s Community University found that people who ate fruit, went for a jog, didn’t smoke and drank no alcohol were exactly as likely to die as chain smoking drunks and fatties.


“The findings are worrying.” One researcher told the Rochdale Herald. “In one extreme case a bloke died of a boredom induced cardiac arrest just talking about how little alcohol he drank, how he had never even tried a cigarette and the benefits of a meat free diet.”

“Pretty much everything is bad for you, or good for you depending upon which day you’re reading the news. Last year butter was bad for you and this year it’s good for you.”


“I research this stuff and I’m pretty bored by it all. Fortunately I smoke twenty a day and I’m rarely sober, I’m taking no chances.”
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:cheers:
 
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That was my stack. I had a great night at the tables. Ended up plus 600.

Yellows are 20.00 chips.
 
One of my colleagues is on a diet (again) and had 'dirty rice' for lunch, she announced there were 7 vegetables in her pot to which my husband replied '6 peas and a carrott' :laugh:
 
This evening we saw the Australian Pink Floyd, they are not allowed to use a pink pig so they did their own take.

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PADDY'S LAST WILL

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realise the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “He was a bloody window cleaner!"
 
Yorky said:
PADDY'S LAST WILL

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realise the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “He was a bloody window cleaner!"
Click to expand...

:laugh:
 
My wife said "there is no lawn mower oil left in the bottle".

"We must have used it all".

"No, there was a little left. Someone must have stolen it".

"Are you telling me that someone climbed over the gate/fence with a container into which they poured 50 ml oil and left an empty bottle?"

slap head.gif
 
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