Dad, mum, brother, sister - all in the space of 2 years.
My BIL and my niece/nephew still live there, though.
Ah - well who knows, we may eventually meet! My shout...
Dad, mum, brother, sister - all in the space of 2 years.
My BIL and my niece/nephew still live there, though.
I understand with personal experience. While my wife's dementia is mild her disability from the stroke is severe. She can't talk, or walk or use her right hand. She can't visit the bathroom or get clothed or bathed without my help. She can only communicate with head nods, pointing and an occasional yes or no to an asked question. It eats up a great amount of time. So my life is upside down. I do everything she used to do as well as everything I used to do as well as operating my small business which is dying from inadequate management. At least she eats well! Care giving is tough. No doubt about it. I don't recommend it if it is optional.I have to admit, I’m a little annoyed.
I have five siblings; four brothers and a sister, as I’ve detailed before. We have an ongoing “brothers’ chat” - sister didn’t like all the pecker jokes, so she dropped a long time ago.
Anyway, my dad’s birthday was yesterday (86). He has severe dementia, as does my mom. They live together in a care facility. Dad is pretty much non-communicative, Mom lives somewhere about 300 light years from Mars - she’s in la-la land most days.
I live 75 minutes away, by car. I work full-time, 60-70 hours a week, and hours are spread out around the clock. I’ve worked four hours today, for example, Saturday, a day off.
I have a wife to look after, and she’s not 100% incapacitated, but she has myositis (in remission), and she’s a stroke survivor (which I’ve mentioned before). She needs help with one thing or another every day.
Those are my two priorities - work (because they pay our bills and provide our health insurance) and MrsT, because she’s my wife. Period. End of.
Yesterday, everyone was talking about my dad and his birthday on the chat. Two of my brothers and my sister went over, at different times. The facility had a little cake and ice cream for him.
I thanked everyone for the couple of photos they posted, and the details, and mentioned that I sent a card.
Bro #3 responded with, “Instead of a card, maybe you should come over and actually see them” - and he included a pic he took of just my dad, shot from the back, wheeling himself down the hallway - it was a long shot, just my dad in it, florescent lighting, meant to look incredibly sad and lonely (which it did).
Here’s the kicker:
1. He’s retired, I’m not.
2. I responded with with my work schedule this weekend:
Fri - 9AM-6PM, 10PM-whenever (10:45PM)
Sat - 1AM-3AM, 4AM-5AM, 6AM-9AM, 2PM-3PM, 10PM-whenever
Sun - off unless I get called
Mon - 1:30AM-3:30AM, 9AM-6PM
That’s my weekend! I also work a full 40-hour shift Mon-Fri!
3. The bit that really chaps my ass - two years ago, when my oldest brother needed some extra help getting my mom to a couple of appointments, Bro #3 was asked to help out a bit, and he refused, saying that he was just retired and he felt he earned his time off and he was going to spend it the way he wanted, on him and his wife…and I stuck up for him!
I’m a big believer in the “You get one life, spend it how you want” philosophy - and I took his side two years ago (I was the only one who did, BTW), and now he’s busting my chops in front of everyone, calling me out for not going over enough, when he lives literally eight minutes from where my folks are! Eight. Minutes. EIGHT!
And he’s retired, as is his wife!
We both work, MrsT drives only locally, so I drive her a lot of places. I go to all her docs’ appointments. I do the cooking and cleaning. He doesn’t do any of that.
I made my peace a long time ago with my folks. When it became apparent that my dad was slipping, I sat down, one on one, and we had a good long talk about things, and he knew then at least, how I felt about him and all that. Nothing was left unsaid. Granted, I’m sure he’s forgotten it all since then, but at least it was done. There’s never been much hidden between me and my mom.
Nowadays, I fairly certain they don’t know me when they see me. I’m just someone stopping by. The last few times, my dad’s been asleep. Right or wrong, I came to terms with it a few years ago, and in a way, in my mind, the parents I knew have sort of passed away. I’m thrilled they get good care, and that four of their six kids live 10 minutes or less away, so they’re being cared for and looked after. I don’t really need to go over more than I do, which is three or four times a year…which is about the number of times I’ve averaged since moving back here 20 years ago.
Rant over, but damn if I’m not annoyed up to my back teeth right now!
I’m sorry about what both of you are going through, and I do feel lucky that MrsT can do most things most days, so my caregiving responsibilities aren’t nearly what yours are…but they’re constant, basically managing her day (making sure she eats, takes her meds, goes to her appointments, occasionally helping with dressing, in and out of the tub, that sort of thing).I understand with personal experience.
Isn't it part of life in most societies? You have to care for others and usually work as long as possible to earn some caring after retiring. I'm always baffled on what you guys are doing for your loved ones and I hope I can be as strong as you guys when my mother's health is getting worse.At least she eats well! Care giving is tough. No doubt about it. I don't recommend it if it is optional.
I think it's like being a parent at times. you can read all the books, literature you like; you can watch videos, visit specialists, talk to psychiatrists... and absolutely nothing prepares you for the real thing, except when you're stuck there and say to yourself "...and now what do I do???"Isn't it part of life in most societies? You have to care for others and usually work as long as possible to earn some caring after retiring. I'm always baffled on what you guys are doing for your loved ones and I hope I can be as strong as you guys when my mother's health is getting worse.
Hopefully, that book will help with managing things, and maybe just reading it and seeing things that you’re going through in print will help, idk.Doc suggested I read a book called The 36 Hour Day.
If I may ask, and apologies if this is out of line, but do you foresee a time when Craig is going to require some additional care, either in-home or in a care facility? Again, sorry if that’s too personal and you don’t want to answer, I’m just trying to understand what the near future may be like for you both.