What made you smile recently?
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That's more energetic than what Jo Brand does (she's a stand up comedienne). Her idea of a work out is to sit up in bed to smoke a cigarette!
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Funny Quotes:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
@buckytom - very good!
Some of those reminded me of the droll Canadian, Stewart Francis - do you know of his stand up? Very dry delivery.
Here are some of his one liners....
"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."
"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."
"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."
"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"
"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"
"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"
"Crime in a multi storey car park....that's just wrong...on so many levels..."
Some of those reminded me of the droll Canadian, Stewart Francis - do you know of his stand up? Very dry delivery.
Here are some of his one liners....
"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."
"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."
"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."
"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"
"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"
"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"
"Crime in a multi storey car park....that's just wrong...on so many levels..."
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I've never heard of him, but he seems to be the equivalent of America's Steven Wright.
I will look up Stewart Francis. Thanks.
Geroge Carlin, Henny Youngman, Bill Hicks, Buddy Hackett, Eddie Murphy, Robert Klein, Richard Pryor, Don Rickles, Robin Williams, Dave Chappelle, Andy Kaufman, David Steinberg, lol, just to name a few... and so many more are my greatest influences.
I will look up Stewart Francis. Thanks.
Geroge Carlin, Henny Youngman, Bill Hicks, Buddy Hackett, Eddie Murphy, Robert Klein, Richard Pryor, Don Rickles, Robin Williams, Dave Chappelle, Andy Kaufman, David Steinberg, lol, just to name a few... and so many more are my greatest influences.
Quite a few there I have never heard of (I have noted them down to look up though) but then I am in UK.
Bill Hicks is the reason I got into stand up! I found him so inspiring...clever man...making people think/deconditioning them whilst getting laughs! I found his aggression a tad too much at first, but I now see it as being very passionate.
As for Robin Williams....genius and such a sad loss...brilliant actor too. If you ever saw The Fisher King (my fav movie) he was tremendous in that and the film deservedly won several awards.
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I have to admit as a child of the 70's I grew up watching George Carlin on HBO. So many years later when he got the job as Mr. Conductor, I had to watch.
Best Robin Williams movie was Mrs. Doubtfire. Worst role ever had to be Mork.
He made my mother laugh....which explains why I could never make her laugh!
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Cats being shamed....(scroll down on the link)
http://cats.worthytoshare.com/cats-are-being-shamed-publicly-for-their#
http://cats.worthytoshare.com/cats-are-being-shamed-publicly-for-their#
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SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD:
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
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USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
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USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
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USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
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USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
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USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD:
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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