That’s how it is here. The level of care and comfort my MIL had was vastly superior to what my dad has now. She was in a private facility and had insurance to cover it, and my dad is in a state-run home that the government pays for.
Caregivers’ chat
- Thread starter karadekoolaid
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karadekoolaid
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My dad passed away in May, caseydog, after 5 long years of dementia. I was fortunate to get to see him during his last few months, but it wasn´t a pretty sight. I feel for you, going through that with your dad.
And now, today, my mum is in the Cardiac Ward after 2 heart attacks this morning. What is it about old people that they REFUSE to take their medication?
And now, today, my mum is in the Cardiac Ward after 2 heart attacks this morning. What is it about old people that they REFUSE to take their medication?
That’s terrible news. Hoping for a good outcome for your mum.
I know the medication woes all too well with my own mom. She’s always been that way. She rates doctors as lower than puppy-strangling kiddie-fiddlers, but the frustrating thing is, she goes in and gets all the meds they recommend, then refuses to take any of it, opting instead to follow some crackpot advice for curing diabetes through grapefruit enemas, etc.
She’s so determined not to take any doctor-prescribed meds, she was actually fired as a patient by her last doctor. He finally told her that since he she refused his treatment, he didn’t have time for her, and cut her loose.
Now she complains that doctors won’t treat her…
kaneohegirlinaz
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Which is another reason why I tell DH to be a "compliant patient"
My sister drives her from one side of the building to the other, instead of walking through the building.
As for the "maybe its only good if you have money in the US?" Yes, that's it exactly. My dad is a retired oil company executive. They can afford to live in a VERY nice senior facility. Senior facilities here are a mixed bag. Some of them are pretty nasty places. Then, others are like where my parents live. There is a lot in between. The dining room there has an Executive Chef. My mom has a full kitchen in her apartment, but it doesn't get a whole lot of use. She eats her big meal at noon, in the dining room.
CD
kaneohegirlinaz
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I got the opportunity to chat up the Exec Chef at Mom's place, real nice guy and he seems to know what he's doing ... he's new and really wants to elevate the facility. He's got a great rotating menu in the two dining rooms available to the residents. My Mother has turned into a picky eater, more along the lines of "he can't cook like you do... I really like your food." Ahhhhh, and this is why I feel fortunate to live a 30 minute drive from her digs now, and take her several "ready to eat meals" that I make for her. Otherwise, I know she doesn't eat...
My mom loves the food in the Dining Room where she lives. My dad just loves food.
MG may be able to comment on this, but the Memory Care Director I talked to today said that people with dementia enjoy eating. It is something they can still understand and get real satisfaction from. I don't even try to talk to my dad when he is eating. To him, I'm not there when he is having a meal. It's just him and his food. Hey, I'm happy to see him enjoy that part of his life.
I am cooking some of my mom's favorite meals to freeze. On Thursday, I am cooking lunch for her and me. Flat iron steak, with steamed broccoli and cauliflower. I'll sous vide the steak at my sister's house, and sear it in my mom's kitchen, and steam the veggies there, too.
CD
Since we’re talking about aged parents…
A couple of weeks ago, I talked to my mom (phone). One of the things that really seemed to bother her was walking her dog. She’s 84, has a bad knee, and can be a little unsteady, and her dog is pretty energetic.
We talked back and forth, talked about Winter and snow and ice coming, and how she really had no business walking the dog any longer and agreed that she needed a dog walker.
I promised to mention it to my brother, as he handles all her money, and when I did, he ok’d it and asked me to find someone.
I spent a good part of the day researching it, settled on a service/app called Rover, set up an account, set up a profile for the dog, searched dog walkers in her area, found one that looked promising, texted back and forth with her about a dozen times, just getting some extra information, and thought I’d make one last check with my brother, to get my mom’s credit card info for the service.
Called him, got that, and I asked about any upcoming doc appointments for my mom, so I could schedule around that, and he said that another brother had taken over managing Mom’s calendar, so I had to call him for that.
Called him, and he said he’d talked to Mom the day before, and she’d decided she didn’t want a dog walker after all.
Called brother number 1 back, he said he’d just talked to her today and she was looking forward to having the dog walker start.
That’s the problem with my mom - she tells one thing to one person, something else to the next person, and gets everyone crossed up and confused, and then says she doesn’t understand why everybody “is making such a fuss about things.”
Here’s the thing, though: if I get her a dog walker (which I’m planning on going through with), she’ll tell me how wonderful that is, and she’ll tell everyone else how terrible it is, and if I don’t get her a dog walker, she’ll complain every time anyone calls that she can’t walk the dog any more and we were supposed to get her a dog walker, but didn’t.
I’d love to blame it on old age, but she’s always been like that. No matter what, she’ll complain about it in the end.
A couple of weeks ago, I talked to my mom (phone). One of the things that really seemed to bother her was walking her dog. She’s 84, has a bad knee, and can be a little unsteady, and her dog is pretty energetic.
We talked back and forth, talked about Winter and snow and ice coming, and how she really had no business walking the dog any longer and agreed that she needed a dog walker.
I promised to mention it to my brother, as he handles all her money, and when I did, he ok’d it and asked me to find someone.
I spent a good part of the day researching it, settled on a service/app called Rover, set up an account, set up a profile for the dog, searched dog walkers in her area, found one that looked promising, texted back and forth with her about a dozen times, just getting some extra information, and thought I’d make one last check with my brother, to get my mom’s credit card info for the service.
Called him, got that, and I asked about any upcoming doc appointments for my mom, so I could schedule around that, and he said that another brother had taken over managing Mom’s calendar, so I had to call him for that.
Called him, and he said he’d talked to Mom the day before, and she’d decided she didn’t want a dog walker after all.
Called brother number 1 back, he said he’d just talked to her today and she was looking forward to having the dog walker start.
That’s the problem with my mom - she tells one thing to one person, something else to the next person, and gets everyone crossed up and confused, and then says she doesn’t understand why everybody “is making such a fuss about things.”
Here’s the thing, though: if I get her a dog walker (which I’m planning on going through with), she’ll tell me how wonderful that is, and she’ll tell everyone else how terrible it is, and if I don’t get her a dog walker, she’ll complain every time anyone calls that she can’t walk the dog any more and we were supposed to get her a dog walker, but didn’t.
I’d love to blame it on old age, but she’s always been like that. No matter what, she’ll complain about it in the end.
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kaneohegirlinaz fingers crossed for your mom 
Since we’re talking about aged parents…
A couple of weeks ago, I talked to my mom (phone). One of the things that really seemed to bother her was walking her dog. She’s 84, has a bad knee, and can be a little unsteady, and her dog is pretty energetic.
We talked back and forth, talked about Winter and snow and ice coming, and how she really had no business walking the dog any longer and agreed that she needed a dog walker.
I promised to mention it to my brother, as he handles all her money, and when I did, he ok’d it and asked me to find someone.
I spent a good part of the day researching it, settled on a service/app called Rover, set up an account, set up a profile for the dog, searched dog walkers in her area, found one that looked promising, texted back and forth with her about a dozen times, just getting some extra information, and thought I’d make one last check with my brother, to get my mom’s credit card info for the service.
Called him, got that, and I asked about any upcoming doc appointments for my mom, so I could schedule around that, and he said that another brother had taken over managing Mom’s calendar, so I had to call him for that.
Called him, and he said he’d talked to Mom the day before, and she’d decided she didn’t want a dog walker after all.
Called brother number 1 back, he said he’d just talked to her today and she was looking forward to having the dog walker start.
That’s the problem with my mom - she tells one thing to one person, something else to the next person, and gets everyone crossed up and confused, and then says she doesn’t understand why everybody “is making such a fuss about things.”
Here’s the thing, though: if I get her a dog walker (which I’m planning on going through with), she’ll tell me how wonderful that is, and she’ll tell everyone else how terrible it is, and if I don’t get her a dog walker, she’ll complain every time anyone calls that she can’t walk the dog any more and we were supposed to get her a dog walker, but didn’t.
I’d love to blame it on old age, but she’s always been like that. No matter what, she’ll complain about it in the end.
My mom has a dog walker service. Not cheap, but she can't do it. I walk the dog whenever I visit, but I like doing it. I like walking dogs. Maybe I should take it up as some part time income.
As for the mom saying one thing to one kid, and another thing to others, I haven't had that problem, but it is pretty common. My mom just isn't like that, and she knows my sister and I would not put up with it, if she was like that. IMO, it is an attention thing. With my mom, she will call my sister at 9PM, and ask her to come over and fix something. My sister is starting to put her foot down about that kind of thing. I live 250 miles away, so she can't do that to me, but even if I lived five miles away, my mom knows I'm not driving to her apartment at 9PM for something trivial, like her TV remote needs a new battery. My sister has learned not to do that, either.
Having elderly parents is kind of like having children. You love them, you take care of their needs, but you have to draw a line. You may not want to, but you have to.
Growing up, my mom and I were like oil and water. We just didn't mix. But now, she trusts me completely, asks me what she should do, and actually listens to me when I tell her what she should do. Life is weird that way.
CD
karadekoolaid
Legendary Member
Yep, spot on there. We (my brother and I) have issues with her eating, her refusal to take meds, her insistance that she can manage on her own (as in : " I´m just going to the supermarket to get the paper" almost a mile away, and any wind over 10mph will blow her over), and her inflammatory opinions on anything . My niece is "living in sin" because she hasn´t married her partner of 14 years; the country is being run by "foreigners", because they´re not white; anyone who´s gay is called " one of those.."; girls who wear off the shoulder blouses are known as "loose women"
Mostly we ignore it, but with the meds, we simply say "if you don´t take them, this will happen" . quod erat demostrandum yesterday because the heart pills "give her a headache".
TastyReuben that's a lot like my grandmother, although my grandma sometimes does it purely with the intention of stirring trouble (like telling my dad she's spending Christmas with my aunt and telling my aunt she's spending Christmas with my dad, spending Christmas alone and accusing both my aunt and my dad of leaving her alone on Christmas night).
She stopped speaking with my dad about 10 years ago, after she called an ugly name to my dad's step kids (but she tells everyone it's my dad who stopped talking with her). My dad's girlfriend is always telling my dad he should make up with his mom, but my dad says the minute he starts talking with her again, his peace of mind will be over.
She stopped speaking with my dad about 10 years ago, after she called an ugly name to my dad's step kids (but she tells everyone it's my dad who stopped talking with her). My dad's girlfriend is always telling my dad he should make up with his mom, but my dad says the minute he starts talking with her again, his peace of mind will be over.
Oh yes. Steve loves his food which is lucky for me because he will eat anything I care to cook. What's the opposite of a picky eater? He also enjoys his beer and walking, walking, walking. Those are the three things he enjoys: food, beer, walking. I have to ration the beer. With food he would probably eat five times what I give him. I think once he has eaten it he forgets he has eaten. I now walk with him as he kept getting lost when he went out alone. The walking is good for me and I can cook what I like and it gets eaten so I'm not complaining. I'm bored more than anything, as each day is a set routine.
medtran49
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We're going to the neuro today. Craig already had some residual minimal weakness in his left arm from the stroke in 2020 but the shingles last July has left him with basically a club arm and he won't do any exercises that I had immediately told him he needed to (same as previous stroke exercises) and that his general doc told him he needed to do about a month later. I don't know why he won't. He got mad and defensive every time I brought it up, so I'd pretty much stopped other than to remind him when he explodes because his arm is causing an issue. I know, not the best time to remind him, but I'm tired of listening to his constant screaming cursing outbursts. Hopefully, the doc will recommend some formal physical therapy (the arm has actually gotten so bad he probably needs it at this point). He will go to PT because he seemed to actually like going after the fall and stroke.
I'm going to bring up the rest of his issues as well, though since they are long term and chronic I doubt much can be done, but at least doc will be aware and maybe work on those after the arm situation gets worked on.
I'm going to bring up the rest of his issues as well, though since they are long term and chronic I doubt much can be done, but at least doc will be aware and maybe work on those after the arm situation gets worked on.
So much of that sounds like my mom.Yep, spot on there. We (my brother and I) have issues with her eating, her refusal to take meds, her insistance that she can manage on her own (as in : " I´m just going to the supermarket to get the paper" almost a mile away, and any wind over 10mph will blow her over), and her inflammatory opinions on anything . My niece is "living in sin" because she hasn´t married her partner of 14 years; the country is being run by "foreigners", because they´re not white; anyone who´s gay is called " one of those.."; girls who wear off the shoulder blouses are known as "loose women"
Mostly we ignore it, but with the meds, we simply say "if you don´t take them, this will happen" . quod erat demostrandum yesterday because the heart pills "give her a headache".
With the meds, she doesn’t trust doctors, so she’s convinced they purposely prescribe meds to keep you alive, but keep you sick, so you have to keep coming back and giving them money.
She also gets every side effect of a med 10 minutes after she takes it. She reads the side effects, takes the med (after much coercion), then we’re treated to:
“Oh god, I’m so dizzy all of a sudden! An’ I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe <elaborate gasping for effect>! My hands and feet are on fire! Oh lord, I’m burnin’ up! It’s them ol’ pills from that quack doctor!”
Five minutes with no one buying it, she’s back to reading a book or poking around the house for something, like nothing happened, but come the next dose, “Lord no, I’m not takin’ any more of that poison, the last pill almost killed me dead!”
Same thing with the opinions about other nationalities, gay people, women in t-shirts, whatever.
Every person gets “the treatment,” which is she examines the last name or the way they look, then rifles through her internal databank of prejudices for that group of people, and applies it liberally.
“Rodriguez…Rodriguez…that’s one of them <slur> names, right? You have to watch them. Lazy. Sleep all day. Not too honest, either.”
Gay people are also “one of those,” with an added limp-wrist motion to drive it home. The funny thing with that is, she simultaneously refuses to believe that gay people are a real thing, she thinks it’s basically a lie invented by Hollywood, but she also doesn’t like them. How can you think they don’t really exist and not like them as well? It makes no sense.
Her words for women she sees as immoral (which is pretty much every woman), my favorite is “ol’ rip,” as in, “Look at all that makeup, you can tell she’s just an ol’ rip!”
She’s also fond of “tarted up” and “tramp,” and for a woman who says she’s just a naive country gal, she sees sexual deviance everywhere.